When we've got nuthin'.........

We had just finished a long trail on our bikes.  The hardiest of the group were biking up a mountain just then, but I stayed behind to sit under a tree.

Sometimes I laugh at myself because if I weren't a follower of Jesus I'd probably be sort of New Age or of the tree hugger camp.  Creation really resonates with me, but I know that when I let Creation whisper to my soul that I'm really communing with Him.

I looked at the lacy leaves of THIS year but leaned back against the trunk and felt wind vibrations in something that had weathered many years of storms.  The past, the present.  It spoke to me of consistency.  This tree was a bringer of shade, a source of beauty, a place for birds to nest for years and years.  Constant.

How much more constant is our King.

The guesthouse was a former nunnery, so I bet that I was not the first Seeker to sit under this tree.  Not the first to commune with the Maker under its branches.  Not the first to lean against its trunk and find peace.

Consistency.
His care, constant.
His love, constant.
His faithfulness, constant.

"And he said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Ex. 33:14

Even before we reached home, turmoil.  The pain of someone that I dearly love's world folding into mine.  I took comfort in the reminder that He is constant and that nothing had changed, but how did I get that from my brain back into my heart as well?  

His constancy is a steady, sturdy cord through the ages there for us to grasp.  It is the brawny bond that catches us when we fail, that holds us and comforts us when all else fails.  It is the gentle silken strand that wraps is in an embrace and brings peace when there should be none.......................................................................

I wrote the above weeks ago but my keyboard's been silent since.  Putting sentences together has been hard, but the message above has carried me through.  Mid-life health issues exhausted but HE is constant.  There are periods of time where the trials seem greater than the joys, but HE never changes.

On Sunday our pastor had everyone consider the multitudes like Jesus did and write down what we have to offer.  What God-given talents, abilities, resources, etc, were we willing to be generous with on behalf of others?

A great exercise to help us think outside the box and think about giving, but right now I feel like all I have to give is Jesus and His love.  That's it.  But that's actually not a bad place to be because His "power works best in weakness" and 'when I am weak, He is strong." (2 Cor. 12: 9-11)

And HE is constant.

The times where we were able to most grasp His love------His love is STILL the same, unchanged.
When the peace that passes understanding eludes us------the unending Source is still there.
When we think we're being utterly faithless------HE is still constant, every second of every day.
When we feel like what we do determines who we are------HIS value of us never fluctuates.

As for today, I still got nuthin'.  Not much to say, not much to give and I'm terribly inconsistent.

But that's OK in this season because I abide 'in Him' and HE is constant.  And if you are in that place with me right now, that place of hiatus, remember that you are still totally, absolutely and 100% completely loved, too.

"Abide in my love." (John 15:9)

New day, every day......

It started Christmas Day, this unsettled feeling of something just not quite right and I ignored it as best as I could.  But it was still there a week later while my Bible lay collecting dust on my nightstand, a sure sign of running from something.

Backtracking, thinking, praying.  Ah ha.  It started with a photo.  A photo on Facebook of a family I love more than most having their Christmas in my old Indian living room without us (Golly, it was tiny. How did we ever fit in all the people that we did?).  I miss them, I miss that time, I miss that home.  I miss the feeling of purpose and the shared up's and down's.  I miss.

But the miss quickly turned into 'devil static' in my head.  That ol' grating whisper of "not enough." But I was never enough.  It was all Him when living there worked well.  If He was still giving us all the grace then we'd still be in the place.

Why do we we listen to the static accusations of expectations that we were never meant to fulfill?

"For the mind set on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."

                                                   (Rom. 8:6)

One of the kids asked yesterday why people make New Year's resolutions.  I answered that it's because people like a fresh start, a new slate, the chance to begin again, to leave the past behind and focus on the new.

Why do we forget that every minute is new?  Take a breath, start again this minute and the next.  Forget what lies behind.  Focus on what's ahead.  Freedom.

"But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining FORWARD to what lies ahead...I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  

                                                     (Phil. 3:13-14)

Each second is a fresh start. As I read Ann Voskamp recently, "Fall forward."  Fall forward for His arms to catch you.  Fall forward into that new start today.  

A letter from a friend.  She reminded me that I am the 'apple of His eye.' That He loves me entirely, completely, and I'm in the palm of His hand.  How easily we forget.  How easily we get clouded in thinking that what we DO is who we are when who we ARE is simply us and Him.  Basics.

Time to take a walk and see His creation.  Time to breathe Him in.  Time to silence the 'devil static' bringing guilt and unrest and recognize it for what it is.  Time to pick up that dusty Bible and let it wash like streams of living water.  In the simple yet powerful vernacular of the Newsboys:

Back and forth like a daytime drama

Up and down like a yo-yo mama

Say there's gonna be days like this 

'Cause light and dark don't coexist

How you gonna see through the fog?

How you gonna get back on course?

You ain't never gonna feel the force

If you don't connect to the power source

The source.  Our only place of real power to fuel our lives.  

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd;

he will gather the lambs in his arms;

he will carry them in his bosom,

and gently lead those that are with young.

                                             Is. 40:11

Gentle Source of all power, fill our lives today.

Like unexpected spider webs.......

Ai ya!  Wei lei!  Uuff baba!  Phrases in general usage like 'Oh my goodness!' that have come second nature during parts of my life in different places.  Things you say when something completely takes you by surprise.

Once a day I go to the mail box, gather advertisement circulars, pick up rubbish that's floated into the yard and head to our rubbish and recycle bins.  As I walk through the open doorway under my front porch, pffftttt, I walk through a spider's web.

I haven't seen this spider yet, my son Aaron tells me that I don't really want to (!), but it sure is a persistent creature.  Every day I destroy part of it's web and do a frantic dance of spitting and wiping my hands through my hair, and every day it rebuilds.  And every day I keep looking down at my hands preoccupied and forget that it's there.

Last week I spent a delightful few hours with a visiting friend and former co-worker.  She caught me up on all the happenings of mutual friends around the freedom business in Kolkata where we used to share our daily lives together.  The conversation became more personal and we talked about how important it is to process the things that hurt us while living there.  Things like incredible pain that others experience through being sold into the sex trade and all that follows which, while nothing like theirs, becomes second-hand pain to us when we hear about it, live around it, and love the people in it.

We talked about what it's like to be a woman in that environment.  How we tended to try to brush off our own more minor then theirs experiences of molestation and harassment because it's 'normal' there and that's what you tend to do just to cope.  But how ignoring our own pain wasn't healthy for us in the long run.

Uuff baba.  Unexpected spider's web in the face. I was surprised how my gut still physically clenched in the present as my mind went back there.  Yet for the next couple of days I felt compelled to wear my Indian coin earrings just to have them near me because of the love that I have for the place as well. Profound love and intense pain intertwined, uncomfortable to say the least.

But to avoid the pain also means that we don't feel the love.  Numbing one also numbs the other.  We often need to go where we don't want to in our hearts so we can let healing take place.  And to let love remain.

If you're reading this you may be thinking, "Golly, I've never been sexually harassed living in a foreign red light district," and discount your own pain, whatever that may be, as well.  Don't.

What's important isn't what's caused pain, but what we do with it when, wei lei, it catches us by surprise once again.  Do we retreat?  Do we insulate?  Or do we make ourselves go where we really would like to retreat from in our hearts?  Do we allow Light and Truth to shine into our darkness to let healing begin?

I read a beautiful verse of hope the other day:

"For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart."  (Ecclesiastes 5:20)

Oh, to live like that!  So focused on him that the world around 'grows strangely dim."  Where we're 'occupied with joy.'  Where we've let His light permeate the darkness of our journey so only the love remains.  

Photo credit:  Anita van der Mespel

Here's the start, "Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have  redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God." (Ps. 31:5)  Our spirit, the very essence of who we are.  The eternal part of us, committed into His care, the One who is faithful.  "My times are in your hand." (Ps. 31:14)

It's real.  It's possible.  It's a life-long journey of learning to trust.  Of subconsciously taking the reins back over and over, but through practice leaving them ever more firmly in His hands.  

So today, "Out in the same old life you go today as ever, but down underneath you can be nourished, by the everlasting streams of God."  (L.B. Cowman)

And when, ai ya, we're surprised by that web that brings pain yet again, we can remember that He is the God that can make, "the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy." And in this Advent season we can especially remember that the Father sent His son into just such a world as this to experience pain, and loss, and despair-----so that LOVE would remain.  

Photo credit: Heidi Cook

Bearing His Image....

I noticed some new lines on my face recently as I look slack-faced into the mirror. They're by my mouth and I'm certain weren't there a couple of years ago.  I've had my fair share of towards-middle-aged body angst in the past few years and I think I've come out the other side.  It's OK to look in the mirror and see this.  But still it's strange to see changes, to not quite recognize your own face.

I wondered why these particular lines and moved my face around a bit.  What I discovered surprised me!  They're not worry lines, frown lines, lines of discontent.  They're lines put there by lots and lots of SMILES.   

People tell me that I tend to smile a lot, but living inside my own skin the past ten years there were lots of days I sure didn't feel like it.  I feel a bit like I've compounded what was a relatively easy life until that point and had most of a lifetime of experiences since.  It's been exhausting at times.

So to look at my face and see smiles lines was a huge testimony to my own heart.  A testimony of the faithfulness of my Father and to HIS joy that just doesn't make sense--but is authentic all the same.

We all have those times where we feel like we're choking on dust, unable to breathe. Dust of trials, troubles, despair.  Days of feeling like we just can't take any more.  Days when we're tired of witnessing pain.  Days when we feel bloody and flayed.  Days when our own image surprises us because we look so normal, because it's just not a reflection at all of how we feel inside.  

I Corinthians 15:49 says, "Just as we have born the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven."  

Hope!  The breath of heaven is coming.  Strength in our bones, joy in our hearts, no more decay. Come, Lord Jesus.  

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal......"

                                        ~David Crowder

One day we'll never breathe dust again.  Until then we still have a hope, a compass, a focus.  We can 'fix our eyes' on Him.  (Heb. 12:2)  In fact, that's the only security that will last!   

I saw one of those articles about how amazingly big the universe is yesterday.  Really blew my mind once again!  (The Universe is Scary) It's hard to imagine anything so gigantic while we are so absolutely insignificantly small.  And yet the Creator is unfathomably bigger still.  (Ahhh, breathe in a bit of that Heavenly air.)

"May this be our prayer, "I do not want to turn my eyes from you, O God.  There I want them to stay and not move no matter what happens to me, within and without."

                                        ~Saint Catherine of Genoa

Focused unwavering because, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."  (Is. 26:3) "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts." (Ps. 28:7) "The Lord sits enthroned over the flood." (Ps. 29:10) 

So we can bring Him our dusty hearts today just exactly as we are. We can be filled with His incomprehensible joy.  We can be blessed by His acceptance and embrace His peace even if we never understand it this side of Heaven.

We can began to 'bear His image' more and more now and live a life that is nothing short of a miracle.

Here's a song that will surely help us on the way today!!!  You'll want to heart this:  Come As You Are

The God of Glory, Our Friend

Not really an article but a reflection to be read slowly and thoughtfully considered:

Sometimes life seems like we're going from one battle to the next. Trials happen, hurt and sorrow happen. It's easy to be consumed with the present.

But vision only comes when we take a step back, when we focus less myopically on the trials of today. When we see the road already traveled and the victories along the way that bring encouragement.  And that helps us remember WHO He is.

"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." 

                                                         -I Col. 1:17

God brings order.  He is the glue, the One who brings rhythm, the conductor.  Before all, in all, through all.  He is.  He is the I AM.  He is the One who has already won not only the battle---but the war.  And this is what He says:

"The Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent (some translations 'be still')."

                                                                    -Exodus 14:14

"But, God,.....?"  "Be silent, my child.  Be silent and trust me.  Be still and know that I AM."

"Ahhh, right, God, I forgot that for a moment." Or a few days, a month, whatever.  "When my heart is faint (overwhelmed).  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."  (Ps. 61:2)

He is our Father, our Victor, our Champion.  And amazingly He is our friend.

"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." 

                                                                     -John 15:15

Friends with GOD.  

Selah.

Don't feel like He's there today?  Listen a bit more closely.  Shut out the noise, take time to contemplate and LISTEN.  

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord..."

                                                                              -Jer. 29: 12-14

It's often not an instant fix, it's a process, but His Presence is worth it.  How much value do we place on that?

"But He will not reveal Himself openly and communicate His glories and bestow His treasures save on those who He knows greatly desire Him, for these are His true friends."

                                                                                                   -Teresa of Avila

Our side of the friendship: seeking Him. Showing Him that we want Him, need Him, care.  And ultimately blessing us far more in return.

The God of Glory, our friend.  

Pause and reflect.

A wee smile before you go!

The very best love song......

I have the most amazing sea view out my window.  And that's something pretty special for someone who grew up in the middle of the USA and remembers seeing the ocean for the first time at age 19.   People in New Zealand just can't believe that, but it's true!

The sea gives me perspective.  It speaks of something ancient and timeless.  It reminds me of power greater than my own and that there are things much bigger than me.  It brings me peace.

But I think I just looked, really looked at the ocean the other day for the first time in a while.  There are fruit trees distracting me by blooming in my backyard.  Lovely, lacy things that attract my eyes.  I love the colors, the freshness, the life.  They make me smile.

Now the fruit trees aren't bad, but it's the sea that brings me peace.  And I've been forgetting from my second story window to stop just looking down but to look past and UP. God's been singing His particular love song the way that I best hear it the whole time, but I haven't been paying attention.  I've been distracted by the immediate and have forgotten to look at the timeless.

The Timeless One reminds us, 

"Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these?  

He who brings out their host by number,

 calling them all by name, 

by the greatness of his might, 

and because he is strong in power no one is missing."

                                       Is. 40:25-26

He knows us by name.  'No one is missing.'

I wrote this verse down recently,

"I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me."
                                                 Song of Sol. 7:10

There He goes again singing us a love song.  The Song of Songs is a beautiful example of marital love but widely accepted also as an example of a song of love from our Creator to us.  So imagine, the God of the Universe's desire is for YOU!  He loves you.  He wants to fellowship with you. 

"His desire is for me."

The first time I got asked out by a boy I was far too young to date, but he called me at home and asked to meet at a roller skating rink.  Sound cute?  It wasn't at the time.  It was a boy that I had absolutely no interest in, and it made the immature me recoil (poor guy!).  I got off that phone as fast as I could!  I've matured a bit since then, but for the idea of someone's desire to be for us to be something more than passing flattery, it needs to be reciprocated on our side as well. 

For God's desire to be for us to matter much, He needs to be our 'beloved.'  The object of our affection, dear to our heart.  Then the doorway is opened for the most beautiful of all love songs to be sung by the One!  Otherwise the song is merely somewhat flattering.  Or worthless.

To hear His song better we must silence the other voices in our ears, voices that cry out, "Worthless!  Damaged!  Despicable!" or even, "I don't need Him.  I can do it myself."  All lies that block the purity of the song.

We need to do what it takes to stop and hear His love song today, silence the voices or the white noise that makes it hard to hear.  Tune our ears to hear the song.  It doesn't matter if we haven't done this well for a while.  Today, right now, we can start anew.  In THIS moment.  In THIS place.  We can experience His Presence and find His peace.  Breathe in, breathe out.

It's the love song that will never change, never grow old, never end.  When He says, "I would die for you," He already did.  

"I am my beloved's and his desire is for me."  Let the song play loud!

Ripples of faith.....

Peter saw a figure walking across the water and was afraid.  Yep, I think that would make my heart beat a wee bit faster, too!  When he realized it was Jesus, however, he became super-charged.  He asked Jesus that if it was really him for him to call him. "Come!" Jesus said.  (Matt. 14: 22-31) And Peter didn't hesitate.  He lept out of that boat.

Often when we see an amazing display of the power of God and are convinced that what's in front of us is part of what He's doing, it can be easy to leap.  Easy to say, "Yes!" and jump.  Brave and certainly displaying a God-honoring level of faith, but not as difficult as later.

What's hard is when we see the wind and the waves.  When we're out on the lake with nothing firm under our feet and at the mercy of the elements.  We thought that that first jump was the test of our faith, but it wasn't.  It's the walking after that shapes us.

I've lept before.  I jumped on a plan when I was 19 and headed to Asia by myself at His call.  I did it again at 25 with my three month old baby in my arms and moved to Fiji.  I did it at 38 when I boarded a plan back to the USA which was nearly 'foreign' to me by then.  And again at 41 moving to India with 4 kids in tow.  Each time took a measure of faith but it was the AFTER that changed and shaped me.  That taught me to truly trust when the rubber met the road.

When Peter saw the wind and waves and wavered, Jesus didn't condemn.  He didn't berate, didn't let Peter fall.  He 'immediately' reached out His hand and held Peter up.  And gently asked him why he'd doubted.  Something like, "Child, why did you worry?  Why did you doubt?  Did you forget that I am the One who told you to come?  Don't you trust me?  Do you doubt my power?  Do you doubt my care for you?"

Recently I jumped again.  My life-long love of jewelry as an art form crystallized with the realization that there are businesses providing employment for women at risk and for women trapped in the sex trade, and that representing them was underutilized in New Zealand.  I knew that doing something as part of promoting them was right up my alley.  I prayed.  Ideas flooded my head------and I lept off the boat.

You can find Holding Hope Collection on Facebook!

But now, although leaping is familiar territory to me, I've looked at the waves a few times.  I've sold jewelry as a job before LONG ago, but doubt my ability to do it now.  I wonder if I'll have wasted my precious, limited start up funds?  Can I really do this?  What if my ideas dry up?  What if I can't relay the passion for the project that I feel to others?

What if I'm a big, fat flop?

After Peter's fantastic leap of faith his mistake was that took his eyes off of Jesus.  He looked at the wind and the waves.  He must have thought, "WHAT in the world am I doing?  This isn't possible!  I can't do this!  I'm gonna drown!" Until that hand 'immediately' reached for him and held him tight.  Until that voice soothed away his fears and challenged him to trust.

And real faith kicked in.

It's not that Peter never doubted again, but he knew where his focus should be.  The only other real documented time of doubt was right before Jesus was crucified and Peter didn't know where to look. But Jesus himself called Peter 'the rock,' a firm foundation of faith that carried Peter through martyrdom later with a whole lot of steps of faith in between.

Sometimes when the waves roll and winds blow and we're doing our best to keep our eyes on the face of Christ, we need to remember that the journey of faith is still one step at a time.  Eyes on him, take a step.  And another.  And another.  And like ripples in a pond our faith grows, one step at a time.

I've been wearing a visual reminder myself lately.  It's a ring I got this week from someone who works in the Philippines focusing on education to prevent trafficking (I have one more if someone wants it!).  In the middle of my own, "I can't believe that I jumped off the boat!" time it reminds me of the ripple effect.  It's a visual of ripples from a pebble dropped and reminds me that small things become big things affecting and impacting beyond what we even know.

All we need to do is keep our eyes on Him and take that next little step before us, or drop our little pebble for Him and watch the ripples grow.  So simple, yet so challenging and life changing as well.

And it allows us, like Peter defying physics through the power of God, to be part of a miracle!