Man in the Making

Since we don't have any retirement, etc, in the sort of work we do, Steve has been very strategic about the use of our own private, pre-living-overseas funds to build them up for later.  As part of that we have a small farm in a growing area not far out of Auckland as an investment property.  And since we're spending time in New Zealand right now, we've been working on developing it a bit as a family to add to it's value.

While a not good enough or big enough piece of land for a proper farm, it would be a great size for a lifestyle block--a place where someone who works in the city can live that's not too far away, but far enough out that they can have some aspects of the 'lifestyle' of a farm for their family.  Steve has dug some tracks around the place with a borrowed digger, we've been working on a shed (with materials given to us by a mate) with a gravel driveway coming soon.  Steve found some sheep quite inexpensively (as Steve does!) from some lifestyle block owners who didn't have enough grass for their sheep after the dry summer, to keep our grass down. As well as food for us and others later.  Yeah, we're not going to get as close to these sheep as the lamb we hand-reared recently!

Oh, and there's a calf coming from some dairy farmer friends soon, too.  This city girl is loving it!

Steve, kids, and Hannah's boyfriend Luke 

The land has become a real place of peace for us. A place to bask in the beauty of Creation, work hard together, and just spend time as a family. The boys like to take Adam's hard-earned slug gun out for target practice, too. Since we see this year as a year of healing for our family in many ways, hanging out at the land is a perfect context for that.  While we have other things going on as well, I find myself looking for any excuse to go to the farm!

It's also a place where we are strategically giving our boys opportunities to enjoy physical labor and learn 'manly' things.

An extra special season is happening right now as our little flock is beginning to lamb!  So sweet to see the lambs dashing around and playing on the hillside.

Yesterday on his way down to a meeting in the city, Steve stopped by the farm to check on a sheep who he knew had started lambing a few days ago.  Fully expecting to see yet another lamb on the hillside, he found a suffering sheep instead.

The boys and I drove out and met him on his way back in the afternoon to help catch the sheep to help her give birth.  To do add to the value of the place we'll put up interior fences for paddocks soon, but right now only the perimeter is fenced.  The four of us fanned out and drove the flock to a corner of the property where the sheep especially like to spend time.  After a couple of attempts to do this and catch the still-in-labor sheep from the rest before they bolted (sheep can look pretty big and move pretty fast as they're leaping down a hillside!) we thought it might be a lost cause without borrowing a dog from someone nearby.  Organizing that would take time, however, and we reckoned our sheep had suffered long enough without help already.

We decided to give it one more try and drive them up the hill again.

I found myself praying and asking that we would somehow catch this girl.  Being a girl myself, I really wanted the mama to have the help she needed (!) even though we knew the lamb would quite probably be dead.

As we drove them up the hill this final time, the sheep we were trying to single out stumbled on the hillside and headed down into the ravine by herself.

Yay!

We followed her and found that she had slipped down by the stream with a steep, muddy bank on either side.  We knew in her condition that she wouldn't likely be able to get back up the bank, but Steve and Aaron came at her slowly from different directions while Adam and I blocked her only possible other escape route upstream.

Aaron held her and calmed her while Steve tried to help her remove the lamb, only there was nothing there. The lamb wasn't even engaged in the birth canal and must have been quite twisted inside. And she was so tired, swollen and bleeding that we felt nothing could be done outside of a C-section. But this was a farm animal, not a pet, and she was by far too heavily pregnant for us to get up the slippery slope from the stream bed without causing her a lot more pain---if we could even do it with her wiggling.

A hard decision had to be made.

I thought, "God, you answered my prayer about us catching her!  What's up with this?"

We talked to the boys about how much she'd already suffered, how she was headed towards a slow, agonizing death, and sent Adam up the hill out of sight.

I knew Steve hated the thought of killing her, but especially felt for our big son who can be crusty and tough on the outside but gooey on the inside.  Our boy who has already seen poverty, injustice, death, and is still processing things beyond his years. Yet I wasn't physically strong enough to hold the sheep still instead.

The thought came into my head, "But this is the sort of thing that makes a man."

Yes, this was hard, but sometimes enduring what you hate if it's right is part of being an adult.  Doing something that takes strength for your family and for something in your care is definitely part of manhood.

And maybe healing can come through the doing.

I had envisioned us catching the sheep, helping her, and having her trot away with great relief.  But obviously there was a different plan.

So my emerging man held her and comforted her as much as possible while my other man slit her throat and the blood drained away.

Strength with gentleness.  Compassion all around.  Careful, accepted responsibility.

Things were quiet as we walked out.  The day definitely hadn't turned out how I wanted.  Yet later when we all met up again at home, father hugged son, thanked him for his help even when things weren't easy, and told him how proud of him he was.

And our young man stood that much taller, strengthened and encouraged.

Pray About EVERYTHING (Thing I'd like to tell my younger self #3)

The other day my friend's son was kidnapped.  They 'serve' in South America and while I've never met her face to face, through the wonders of modern communication, I know her pretty well.  We've been part of a small group of Internationals that have supported each other for over ten years.  And I have actually talked to her over Skype before!  I've seen this son, her youngest, grow from a little guy into the mischievous-eyed twelve-year-old he is today.

It felt like being kicked in the gut to hear her news.  Not only for her son, but she had been held at first herself for a while before she was released and then her son was kept behind.

What a thing for a mother to bear!  I prayed with a heavy heart.  And honestly?  I worried.

I was oh-so-concerned for them, yet this trial of theirs struck awfully close to home as well.  All of us in that international group knows what it's like to take our children out of the 'safety' of the First World and into something a bit more precarious.  While kidnapping has never been something at the top of my list of concerns, the physical safety of my children in a less safe environment (and not just germs!) has often been a constant niggle in the back of my mind.  Mine has been more just loosing kids in general.

I remembered our first New Year's Eve in our Third World home.  The kids and I met up with Steve, who had come by motorbike from somewhere else, at a KFC (big treat there!) on a popular road.  Being newbies we totally underestimated the crowds that would be out already celebrating at an early hour and as Steve drove off home, I headed to the Metro with the kids. As we rounded the corner to head underground we were met by an even thicker mass of humanity, some trying to come up while others were going down. It was a free-for-all in the dimly lit night, totally devoid of the politeness expected in the West, and I felt six-year-old Adam wrenched behind me in the crush and began to loose my grip on his hand.  I couldn't even see him in the mass of bodies and knew if I lost his hand I might not ever see him again.....

I woke up yesterday morning to the news that there was no news.  My friend had been left restlessly wondering for more than a full day by then.  But miraculously only a couple of hours later her son was freed!  The kidnapper, obviously not a professional, had let him go.

I cried happy tears for her, very much rejoicing and praising in the outcome, but then felt the need to 'recover' and lick my own wounds a bit after the ordeal as well.  Why, I wondered?

It made me wonder about the quality of trust in my prayers in this situation.  If something that hit a nerve in my heart shook me and made me anxious as I prayed, what had my prayers really been like?  Sure, God heard them regardless, but I hadn't succeeded in, "Be(ing) anxious for nothing."

I recently read a blog written by an author named Gari Meacham.  She said:

"The spirit hunger within me longs to trust, but I masquerade instead.  I pretend pray--realizing that what I think is prayer, is really worry with a few God words at the beginning and end:

'Dear Father, worry, worry, worry, worry....In Jesus' name. Amen'

What I often whisper as prayer is a sliver of faith wrapped in a blanket of panic.  

Worry restates negative trust in fearful outcomes.  

It's the belief that what I dread will be the outcome of what I pray."

Because the truth is that what we fear COULD be the outcome.  My friend's son may not have ever come home.  There could be a time where something happens to my own children's safety as well. But we serve a God who loves us.  Truly, deeply, and forever. And he's promised that we are fully 'under the shadow of His wings.'  Safe and secure in His plans that are frequently beyond what we can understand, but full of purpose and care.

That kind of faith is present in this prayer:

Suscipe  
(by Ignatius)

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will,

All I have and call my own you have given to me.

To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.

Give me only your love and your grace, 

That is enough for me.

My friend Fran Francis wrote about these words, "The secret of Ignatius' carefree abandonment of all that he is and has comes down to knowing that he is loved."

To trust, we need to understand how deeply we are loved.

As I waited yesterday wondering about my friend's child I remembered another blog I'd read recently:

"Even if He doesn't (answer our prayers the way we want), He still is.

Even if he doesn't do what we will, His will is still right and His heart is still good and the people of God will not waver.

Real prayer has eyes on Christ, not the crisis.

Even if He doesn't--He does give enough--Himself.

Even is He doesn't--He does still love us.

                                 -Ann Voskamp

I'm so glad that 'He did' in the life of my friend!!!  But the situation has made me realize that it's time to re-learn yet again something I've been working on afresh for a while now:

Pray about EVERYTHING!

Philippians 4 says, "Don't worry about ANYTHING, instead pray about EVERYTHING.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done."  Then it promises peace that exceeds anything we can understand. Peace that will guard our hearts.

Do we really do that?

The minute we find our minds beginning to churn---Pray!
The moment we realize we're stressed---Pray!
When we're worried, afraid, confused---Pray!
When we're joyful and thankful---Pray!

The first blog I mention above loosely quotes Oswald Chambers as saying, "It's not only wrong to worry, it's infidelity.  Because worrying means we don't think God can look after the practical details of our lives...."

Convicting words.  Being faithful to my husband is monumentally important to me.  How could being faithful to my First Love be anything less?

Walking through trials in peace sounds idealistic.  Unrealistic.  But giving Him our anxiety by placing it in His loving hands is a process that brings us closer to Him and helps us better understand His love.  And His love never fails!

My friend is slowly telling the kidnapping story here. Click on to read!

Who He Is

Once upon a time there was a man named Job.  One day he lost everything.  Not some thing, but everything.  In one day.  His children, his wealth, his security and joy.  And then he lost his health.

He knew he hadn't done anything to deserve it despite what his friends said.  And he would not curse God when urged to do so.

But he did ask God, "Why?"  Why did you let this happen to me?  Why was I even born?  Why are you treating me this way?  Why do you let bad things happen in the world?

God didn't answer the 'why'.  He reminds Job 'Who'.

"Were were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?  Tell me, if you know so much.

Who determined its dimensions and stretched out the surveying line? (Job 38:4-5)

What supports its foundations, and who laid it's cornerstone as the morning starts sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? (vs. 6)

Who kept the sea inside its boundaries as it burst from the womb? (vs. 8)

Who created a channel for the torrents of rain?  Who laid out the path for the lightening? (vs. 25)

Who sends rain to satisfy the parched ground and make the tender grass spring up? (vs.27)

Who is the mother of the ice?  Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens? (vs. 29)

And more.....

At the end of this Job, reminded of his humanity, said, "I have nothing more to say........" (Job 40:5)

"Very wise," I'd say if I were in on the conversation.  Or had the nerve to say ANYTHING after what God said!

There once was a man named Moses who was called at a bush that was burning but didn't burn up to lead his incredible number of relatives out of slavery.  He said, "I can't!!!!" 

God didn't say, "Yes, you can."  He reminded him Who was asking.

"Who gave human beings their mouths?  Who makes them deaf or mute?  Who gives them sight or makes them blind?" (Ex. 4:11)

And then there was a man named Abraham who had no children and he and his wife were old. God told Abraham he would make a nation out of him.  Abraham asked God, "How?"  God took him out and showed him the stars.  And standing under the vast heavens Abraham  remembered just how small he was and how big God is.

And then God sent His son.  Emmanuel---God with us.  To show us even more of Who He is.

God often doesn't answer our questions, but He's always there to remind us Who He is!  Who we can trust.  Who has it all under control.  And Who said,

 "Remember I am with you always, to the end of the age."  (Matt. 28:20)

And that's more than enough.

What We Think

Words.

They're a powerful thing.  They are a tool used to 'steal, kill, and destroy' (John 10:10) or they they can uplift and heal.  The tongue can start a fire (James 3:5-6) or be a balm and bring joy to a hurting heart.

Jesus said in Matthew 5 that sin begins in the heart.  In our thoughts.  Who we are, what we will become, and how we will behave are directly in line with the way we think.  That's why it's so important to:

 Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  ~Philippians 4:8

This concept translates into our thoughts in general as well and how they impact the way that we live.

I've been learning a lot about this lately.  Even though I've been a believer for a long-time there are still thought processes I have that aren't true that drag me down.  Things I didn't even know that I thought and therefore believed about or expected of myself and about my perceptions of what God and others think and expect of me.

I've had the opportunity to learn how to identify some of these lately and am amazed at how differently focusing on truths instead help me to live a more joyful, more peaceful, less guilt-filled life.  To be more of who He actually created me to be!

Changing your thinking is like developing a new habit. It takes time and effort. What we think becomes what we actually believe.  But sometimes in the process it's good to go ahead and draw a line in the sand in the face of the enemy.

I am no longer not good enough------I am precious and bought with a price!
I am no longer broken------I am restored!
I am no longer defined by my failures------I am complete in Him!  (And what I see as failure may not be!)

Etc, etc, etc.....

This says it so well:

Hello, My Name Is

Hello, my name is regret
I’m pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I’m the whisper inside
That won’t let you forget
Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief
These are the voices, these are the lies
And I have believed them, for the very last time
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it’s true
Just take a look at my life
What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King

                  ~Matthew West

Click to hear song "Hello, My Name Is"

Sheep and the Shepherd

We've had a really fun experience recently of hand raising an abandoned lamb. For lots of New Zealander's lambs are nothing new but for this partly American family it was an awful lot of fun--especially since she slept happily in the garage through the night so there were no night feeds involved!

Happy little lamb!  Five days old.

Steve thought 'Chops' or 'Mint Sauce' would be great name choices for her but Adam would have none of that!  A happy medium for our current house full of mostly males who love cars was "Lambaahgini" (emphasis on the 'baah'!) Lambaah for short.

We fed and enjoyed her for 2 1/2 weeks (she even went to Adam's soccer game once!) but then since at three weeks she really needed to start eating good grass, she went to live with friends who had more grass and also a little lamb who was getting lonely of their own.  But she still remembers us when we stop for a visit and runs to the gate baaaahhhing to see us.

Steve and I both have found ourselves thinking a lot about sheep and shepherds.  The absolute dependence of the sheep.  The devotion of the shepherd.

Lambaah and her shepherd (2.5 weeks old)

The Lord is my shepherd; 

 I have all that I need.

2 

He lets me rest in green meadows; 

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 

    He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

 bringing honor to his name.

4 

Even when I walk 

through the darkest valley, 

I will not be afraid, 

 for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

 protect and comfort me.

5 

You prepare a feast for me 

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil. 

My cup overflows with blessings.

6 

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me 

all the days of my life, 

and I will live in the house of the Lord......

 ......forever.

                          ~Psalm 23 (NLT)

I am the good shepherd: I know my sheep and my sheep know me.  ~John 10:14

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  ~Matthew 9:36

If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost?  ~Matthew 18:12

Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls.  ~1 Peter 2:25

Walking up the fence to see us when we visit (5 weeks old)

She still enjoys a cuddle!

"My" Kids? (Things I'd like to tell my younger self #2)

I just read a post by someone on Facebook who has made a friend and in the process of that has just gone to see the friend's mosque with her.  My instant response was, "Awesome!  Good on her for doing that!"  Having lived cross-culturally for so long in the middle of other religions, it thrills me to see people going out of their comfort zone to pursue a friendship like that.  I love seeing people who are confident enough in what they believe that they are not threatened by others, and who care enough to truly reach out with their time, energies, and be vulnerable to pursue a friendship like that.  We want people to be interested in OUR ways but how are they going to if we don't show respect and interest in THEIR most cherished things?

My thought processes went on to why we sometimes back off from friendships like that, from people who are different from us.  Not necessarily religion but socioeconomically, culturally, racially.  I think for parents sometimes the initial response is being protective of our children. To be friends eventually our kids will play with theirs and do we want that?

This has been a challenge for me for my kids' whole lives. I've had to evaluate the in's and out's of who they can play with and what the boundaries on the relationship are.  A lot.  What's really important?  What's preference and what's vital for the protection, maturity level, etc, of my child?

I've made some good choices and I've made some not so good ones.  My kids have seen lots of contrast. They know things about the world at large that my mother's heart wishes I could have just protected them from.  They've had to grapple with disturbing, mind-bending concepts way 'too young'.

But what's really best?  I've never bought into the philosophy that we just protect our kids, only show them the real so that later they'll 'recognize' the counterfeit.  No, I believe that we are called to be Ambassadors. Ambassadors can't only live separately. They must be part of the environment where they are.  Our kids need to be given experiences along the way that are counter to the culture that we want them to embrace so they learn how to be ambassadors in the foreign land of 'other.'  So they can walk confidently in who they are and be a real contrast to the world around them---not gobsmacked in the face by the difference when they reach adulthood and find themselves in culture shock and not knowing how to respond.  We don't toss them to the wolves as they grow either, but give them doses of and training throughout their childhood.

Yet I've discovered along the way that despite my best intentions, that my children have seen and experienced things that I wish they hadn't as well. Things that went well beyond the small doses that I wanted.  Things that they're having to process and, yes, even heal from now.

We just don't live in an ideal world whatever our ideals may be.  And sometimes in the Third World that's even more 'in your face' and doesn't even pretend to be polite.

This has been our journey. Our 'price' for the life we've lived.  I don't think we've 'sacrificed' our kids in the process----but there have definitely been sacrifices.

This leads right into my second "what I would like to tell my younger self" post.  And that's that........OUR CHILDREN ARE NOT OUR OWN.

Hannah at about six weeks old.  Look at that hair!!!

I remember the first time I held my tiny little Hannah.  It was a bit delayed since she was an emergency C-section and I didn't really get to hold her until the next day.

I had never seen anything so precious!  And I fell in love.

I wanted to protect her and keep her safe.  But at nine days old she was back in the hospital with a huge IV in her tiny little arm.  In fact, each one of my children had something with their health at the beginning of their lives that made me give them back to God.

Beth Moore blogged recently about the death of Rick Warren's son, "Nothing tries our faith like the suffering of our children.  At the end of the day, our faith is what the devil is after most.  Without it, it's impossible to please God!"  Nothing can tear at a parent's heart quite like the suffering or troubles of their children.  

Our children are gifts for a season.  And one of the hardest challenges in life is giving them back to God.  

I had an experience a couple of years ago where I was doing dishes at my sink in my Third World home.  One of our children was really struggling and I found myself evaluating the cost involved in our then situation. I found myself thinking, "There are a LOT of things I'm willing to sacrifice for you God, but I will NOT sacrifice my children."  

Instantly Abraham and Isaac came to mind.  Oops!  I remembered that He MAY ask us to 'sacrifice' our children in ways we don't understand.  (full story here:  Dishwater Surrender ) I had to give my child into his loving hands that day and ask for the 'ram' in their life. Ultimately our children aren't 'ours.' They're His.  And He can do a lot better job with them than we can.  (But that doesn't mean I wouldn't still throw myself in front of a train for any of my kids!)

A while back I was really concerned about one of our children and was given this verse of encouragement:

"This is what the LORD says:  Do not be afraid!  Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's."  -2 Chron. 20:15

I will always need to keep giving them to God.  My intentions have been good, my heart has been loving, yet both my decisions and circumstances certainly haven't been perfect.  (But perhaps 'perfectly' what He wanted for their lives???) I have had many joys watching them grow, but have regrets as well.  Yet, whatever He has allowed to happen or will still happen in the future, He is in control for His particular plans for them.  And He is good.

Any my kids are pretty awesome people as well!

First thing I'd like to tell my younger self (He is REALLY in control!)

Sometimes I feel like this photo.  Absolutely futile.  Young Luke Skywalker may have his trusty R2D2 on the back, but he's just on a pushbike with the bad guy of all bad guys, Darth Vader, right behind him on a flash motorbike!

Sometimes life leaves us with more questions than answers.  I've spent the last few years learning a foreign language.  I've put a lot of time, effort and energy into it.  I've learned a lot, but the disheartening thing is that the more you know, the more you realize that you DON'T know!

I don't have half of the answers that I thought I did when I was younger.  There are many, many things that I don't understand---terrible things the young me had no idea of.  And I've seen more complex questions and know of things that seem to have no earthy answer: poverty, injustice, bad things happening to good people, sickness, hard things happening to me and those I love........

But I've learned even more than my younger self knew, that He is the ONLY one who has the answers. And that He is SO in control for our good.  We can trust Him!

Lately I've been drawn back into that age old (at least from back in the early 90's!) game of computer solitaire.  Sometimes it's good for dialing down my mind into a relaxed mode and gives me a bit of space to think while I play.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm actually pretty good at the game!  I win quite a bit more than I lose.  I must confess, however, to hitting the 'hint' button at the bottom of my screen when I can't see a way to win and it all looks hopeless.  I'm amazed at how many times even in my 'expertise' the computer shows me something that I've missed.  Often all I need is a bit of help more expert than my own for that one move, and the whole game I thought I'd lost just unravels.

God is the real expert on life.  The only one who is able to sort out our tangled webs. The One that knows that next move or step that will unravel our messes, even when we can't see it ourselves.

I've taken great comfort lately in realizing that the Apostle Paul was human, too.  As I've read some of his letters I've read things like:

"In fact we expected to die.  But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead"   ( 2 Cor. 1:9)

That's the reason for the unexplained things in our lives!  I've found it's a wonderful, freeing thing to relinquish the 'game' or thing in life I'm trying to succeed at and find a deeper reliance on Him----who is totally in control of our lives even over the power of death.

He really KNOWS us.  Everything about us.

To be known is to be loved.  Ephesians 2:10 says we are His 'masterpiece.' (NLT)  I love that picture!  It speaks of  the great care and time He takes with us. We can trust His movement in our lives.  God wants us to depend on HIM.  He's not limited by our limitations.  God's going to do what He wants---but he invites us to join Him.

"Often God will call you beyond your limitations to do something that requires faith.  It's not so much about what He wants you to do as what He wants to do IN you, as you depend on Him." 

~Renee Swoop

So step out with confidence!  He's in control.  And "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"  (Gen. 18:14a)